You had a lot going on and I didn't want to just add to the pile. I was also trying to keep it from being obvious to anyone else, and that's why you couldn't "see" it.
Just. Let it go. I'm not comfortable talking about it.
[and on his side of the conversation, Rin heaves a hard, deep sigh, letting his head fall back against the grass]
[you're never comfortable talking about it, he wants to say, or why does what I have going on always trump what you have going on? but it's not fair of him. as much as he wants to pushpushpush, at least some of this has to be on Sousuke's terms]
are you comfortable grabbing some subs in the park
[Sousuke should know better than to think this is Rin letting go; those words aren't in his vocabulary. it is, however, a temporary cease fire]
[ But so is Sousuke. He's not going to unravel over a couple of sandwiches at the park, he's confident in that at least, but after another episode he needs time to relax and think about something—anything—else. ]
[and Sousuke will find Rin in a usual spot of theirs, in a typically stupid pose; he's got his legs up against a broad tree just starting to bloom, his head in the grass. beside scruffy red hair is a plastic bag with two sandwiches and some gross healthy drinks, as well as water. from the way one of his sneakers is tapping against bark, he's probably listening to music on his earbuds (his thoughts get too loud, when it comes to Sousuke -- maybe that's why he always ends up shouting)]
[ After replacing his shirt, one that's not drenched in sweat and a few tears, at home Sousuke heads straight to their usual. The idea of taking his time with walking there strikes him for a brief moment, but ultimately he finds himself there before he knows it. Welcomed to Rin doing his... usual...
Why are they friends?
Silently, realizing that Rin has his earbuds in, he approaches before stopping and leaning in and popping into the redhead's line of sight. Surprise! His expression is as flat lined as it usually is. ]
[Rin predictably jumps, and one of his legs falls off the trunk of the tree, thumping to the grass. taking out his earbuds, he huffs, scowling up at his best friend without moving -- he'd kick him in the head if life had Tekkan gravity. a tinny music continues to come from his ear buds, curled on his shoulder]
Unlike that dog, I would'a bit you. And after I got you a cheesesteak thing. Don't bite the hand that feeds.
[he lets his other leg fall likewise, slowly shifting himself rightside-up again. there's some stupid flora in his hair, probably, all ruffled up from being prone for so long. he'd made a pact to himself that he wouldn't go anywhere, because if he started walking, he'd probably end up at the hospital]
[trying to avoid scrutinizing Sousuke (like there's some damning evidence to find), he fiddles around in the plastic bag for their food. it's a pretty nice spring day, and this could almost be a picnic, if there were less constipated emotions and more checkered blankets]
[ Considering Rin's reputation of doing just that. But he won't make any comments and instead uses this opportunity to sit down beside him, back against the trunk as he crosses his legs. Tilting his head back just a tad for it to rest as Rin digs around his bag.
So speaking about spring days: ] Nice weather. [ Said in a flat tone. ] Summer's right around the corner.
[Rin gives his friend a rather wry look, producing two hefty-looking wrapped hoagies. he goes to toss one to Sousuke, and -- instead hands it over roughly, not wanting Sousuke to reflexively jerk his arm up to catch. he can't tell if this idiot's still in pain. how fucking stupid is that?]
I prefer to watch sports, not the weather.
[softly, softly, young Matsuoka; he peels the foil and paper off the top of his sandwich (also some kind of cheesesteak monster, though with some kind of added spice), biting into it. feeding time in the shark tank]
[adds, through a mouthful of peppercorn cheese:]
Maybe I'll finally get you on a surfboard, this summer.
[a hobby Rin has brought back from abroad, become very fond of]
[ Instinctively Sousuke wants to reach out with his right arm, his throwing arm, but stops a fraction of the way there and switches to his other arm. It means stretching over and having to go an extra few inches to grab his share but that doesn't matter much, disregarding the fact that he should have adjusted to not using it by now.
Unwrapping, he's examining the sandwich before taking a large bite. Chewing and responding slowly, his usual drawl accompanying at the end: ]
Is that why you're always getting stuck in the rain without an umbrella? Of course it is, or else I wouldn't have to remind you in the morning.
[ But that does nothing to lighten his mood. ]
I wouldn't be against it. [ Kinda. ] But then I'd seriously have to learn how to doggy paddle.
[between the two of them, you'd think Rin would be the one sending reminders about coats and umbrellas and good luck for final exams; yet that's what Sousuke does, and it's one of the understated ways his friend shows he cares about him. even though it's a dumb, bickering comment, it does remind Rin that -- he's lucky, even if his shoulder (his baseball dream, dead in the water) is something he withholds from Rin. Sousuke wouldn't bother with reminders for a rainy day, if he didn't care for him]
[Rin takes another big bite of sandwich, distracted by the thought. he always demands a person's everything: maybe he's reacting badly, to the (second) time Sousuke's given him just shy of that. on the other hand, maybe he's reacting completely appropriately -- how else will Sousuke know how much he cares? how else can he keep Sousuke from withholding even more about his life, as it diverges more and more from his own?]
I can seriously teach you. It's basically instinct to keep yourself from drowning.
[another, bigger bite]
-- And surfing would be less strenuous on your shoulder than swimming, since you can just float on the board when it starts to hurt.
[sharp eyes are scrutinizing now, daring Sousuke to dodge and evade]
[ Sousuke knows Rin cares. If the daily texts and advise ranging from promoting the restaurant to his recovery wasn't obvious, it as the fact that he bothered with him at all despite the walls he kept surrounding him. Unfortunately that isn't going to help with him opening up, hence the noticeable distance whenever the topic of his physical therapy arrives. ]
Right.
[ He wants to skip any comments on his shoulder, but he catches the sharp glare that threatens to cut him in half. So, of course, he lowers the sandwich and turns his head to look Rin in the eye. ]
[another, heavier bite of his sandwich, as his eyes darken and his eyebrows draw in]
What am I supposed to do? You don't like it if I get upset, you don't like it if I get angry. Should I be trying to pretend it didn't happen, like you?
I didn't say that. I just don't wanna talk about it today.
[ Or ever. But Sousuke's stubborn and willing to try to squeeze out a lie even if he's half-certain that it won't work. ]
And if I wanted to pretend that it never happened I would have just gone to Japan to stay with my mom. [ And probably act like the first eighteen years of his life never happened, but that would be an even shittier thing to do. Especially to Rin. ]
[ god holy fuck GRBAID RBAID!! UCKC!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]
Briefly.
[ Something else he hid from Rin for obvious reasons. But in his defense it was just a passing thought, one that had already left as soon as it came, changing his mind the moment he looked over and saw his family. That's when everything—everyone, came flooding in and of course Sousuke felt immediate regret for even entertaining the thought for the seconds he did. ]
I wanted to get away from everything because it all just... fell apart. And I know the only person I can blame is myself for letting my injury get this bad, instead of saying something about it because I was so scared of falling behind—but I thought that staying in the same place where it all happened would crush me.
[he can't help it -- hearing Sousuke speak like that, monotonously, about feeling crushed, about blaming himself, and falling apart -- it makes him want to cry. he bites on his bottom lip, expression becoming stormy as he tries to keep the stupid tears back, because this is why Sousuke doesn't tell him anything]
[but it's not like he can just turn it off, the stupidly deep feelings he has for Sousuke]
Just because you're staying in the same place doesn't mean things have to be static.
[is the restaurant really Sousuke's new dream? Rin wishes he could be sure]
And I realized that. [ Or should he be saying that in present tense? There's still so much Sousuke hasn't overcome, still stuck in between this state of moving on and not.
He turns his head a little, noticing Rin's expression and brings his arm around to drape it over the other man's shoulders. ]
[followed by, of course, a heavy sniff, and Rin rubbing at his eyes irritably as the first tears begin to leak out. he leans into his friend, aggravated at himself, at Sousuke, at this stupid situation that should have happened to someone the fuck else]
-- and you are an idiot, if you think it's already behind you.
[can't Sousuke see that?]
Worse than that, you act like there's nothing ahead of you, anymore.
[Sousuke, who used to be easily as goal-oriented as Rin, who now -- seems to be living his life from short-order to short-order]
[ NO ONE DESERVES A BROKEN SHOULDER RIN CHILL OUT DKJFAKDJF ]
Maybe.
[ Translated: Definitely.
Sousuke's not wandering blind, he realizes that what he's doing is destructive—taking those steps forward, getting out of this patch of darkness he's left himself in, is what he's struggling with now. That and making sure Rin doesn't cry all over their food. ]
I'll get there soon enough. [ He might have it, actually, he just needs to open his eyes a little (a lot). ] So let me apologize for being a little irritating until then.
[and that's an elbow, digging roughly into Sousuke's ribs, even as Rin's comforted by the arc of his friend's embrace;]
You've never settled for "soon enough," don't start now, stupid.
[another hard sniff, Rin rubbing unattractively at his face, making it redder]
I don't want apologies, either. I just want -- [and it's stupid and selfish sounding, but if this is the only way Sousuke'll take him seriously, "I want" is what is has to be] -- I want your best, damn it. There's no point in me doing mine if you're not doing yours.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: BREATHES
[though, notably, he didn't show up, so he does obviously know he can't just bust into this part of Sousuke's life, as much as he'd want to]
if you move your appointment times i'll just figure it out again, so don't bother.
Re: BREATHES
It's pretty shitty to be honest.
If I wanted you to know I'd tell you so why can't you just give me a second?
Re: BREATHES
[it's a hurtful truth, but it's a truth all the same]
Re: BREATHES
You can't blame me for that.
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Re: BREATHES
I was also trying to keep it from being obvious to anyone else, and that's why you couldn't "see" it.
Just.
Let it go.
I'm not comfortable talking about it.
Re: BREATHES
[you're never comfortable talking about it, he wants to say, or why does what I have going on always trump what you have going on? but it's not fair of him. as much as he wants to pushpushpush, at least some of this has to be on Sousuke's terms]
are you comfortable grabbing some subs in the park
[Sousuke should know better than to think this is Rin letting go; those words aren't in his vocabulary. it is, however, a temporary cease fire]
Re: BREATHES
Fine.
[ But so is Sousuke. He's not going to unravel over a couple of sandwiches at the park, he's confident in that at least, but after another episode he needs time to relax and think about something—anything—else. ]
See you there in a few.
sunday in the park with rin
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Why are they friends?
Silently, realizing that Rin has his earbuds in, he approaches before stopping and leaning in and popping into the redhead's line of sight. Surprise! His expression is as flat lined as it usually is. ]
I almost stepped on you like you did that dog.
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Unlike that dog, I would'a bit you. And after I got you a cheesesteak thing. Don't bite the hand that feeds.
[he lets his other leg fall likewise, slowly shifting himself rightside-up again. there's some stupid flora in his hair, probably, all ruffled up from being prone for so long. he'd made a pact to himself that he wouldn't go anywhere, because if he started walking, he'd probably end up at the hospital]
[trying to avoid scrutinizing Sousuke (like there's some damning evidence to find), he fiddles around in the plastic bag for their food. it's a pretty nice spring day, and this could almost be a picnic, if there were less constipated emotions and more checkered blankets]
no subject
[ Considering Rin's reputation of doing just that. But he won't make any comments and instead uses this opportunity to sit down beside him, back against the trunk as he crosses his legs. Tilting his head back just a tad for it to rest as Rin digs around his bag.
So speaking about spring days: ] Nice weather. [ Said in a flat tone. ] Summer's right around the corner.
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I prefer to watch sports, not the weather.
[softly, softly, young Matsuoka; he peels the foil and paper off the top of his sandwich (also some kind of cheesesteak monster, though with some kind of added spice), biting into it. feeding time in the shark tank]
[adds, through a mouthful of peppercorn cheese:]
Maybe I'll finally get you on a surfboard, this summer.
[a hobby Rin has brought back from abroad, become very fond of]
no subject
Unwrapping, he's examining the sandwich before taking a large bite. Chewing and responding slowly, his usual drawl accompanying at the end: ]
Is that why you're always getting stuck in the rain without an umbrella? Of course it is, or else I wouldn't have to remind you in the morning.
[ But that does nothing to lighten his mood. ]
I wouldn't be against it. [ Kinda. ] But then I'd seriously have to learn how to doggy paddle.
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[Rin takes another big bite of sandwich, distracted by the thought. he always demands a person's everything: maybe he's reacting badly, to the (second) time Sousuke's given him just shy of that. on the other hand, maybe he's reacting completely appropriately -- how else will Sousuke know how much he cares? how else can he keep Sousuke from withholding even more about his life, as it diverges more and more from his own?]
I can seriously teach you. It's basically instinct to keep yourself from drowning.
[another, bigger bite]
-- And surfing would be less strenuous on your shoulder than swimming, since you can just float on the board when it starts to hurt.
[sharp eyes are scrutinizing now, daring Sousuke to dodge and evade]
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Right.
[ He wants to skip any comments on his shoulder, but he catches the sharp glare that threatens to cut him in half. So, of course, he lowers the sandwich and turns his head to look Rin in the eye. ]
Just let it go for today.
no subject
[another, heavier bite of his sandwich, as his eyes darken and his eyebrows draw in]
What am I supposed to do? You don't like it if I get upset, you don't like it if I get angry. Should I be trying to pretend it didn't happen, like you?
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[ Or ever. But Sousuke's stubborn and willing to try to squeeze out a lie even if he's half-certain that it won't work. ]
And if I wanted to pretend that it never happened I would have just gone to Japan to stay with my mom. [ And probably act like the first eighteen years of his life never happened, but that would be an even shittier thing to do. Especially to Rin. ]
no subject
Did you think about doing that?
[sandwich lowered, with a crinkle of paper]
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Briefly.
[ Something else he hid from Rin for obvious reasons. But in his defense it was just a passing thought, one that had already left as soon as it came, changing his mind the moment he looked over and saw his family. That's when everything—everyone, came flooding in and of course Sousuke felt immediate regret for even entertaining the thought for the seconds he did. ]
I wanted to get away from everything because it all just... fell apart. And I know the only person I can blame is myself for letting my injury get this bad, instead of saying something about it because I was so scared of falling behind—but I thought that staying in the same place where it all happened would crush me.
no subject
[but it's not like he can just turn it off, the stupidly deep feelings he has for Sousuke]
Just because you're staying in the same place doesn't mean things have to be static.
[is the restaurant really Sousuke's new dream? Rin wishes he could be sure]
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He turns his head a little, noticing Rin's expression and brings his arm around to drape it over the other man's shoulders. ]
Go ahead and call me an idiot so you don't cry.
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I'm not gonna cry --
[followed by, of course, a heavy sniff, and Rin rubbing at his eyes irritably as the first tears begin to leak out. he leans into his friend, aggravated at himself, at Sousuke, at this stupid situation that should have happened to someone the fuck else]
-- and you are an idiot, if you think it's already behind you.
[can't Sousuke see that?]
Worse than that, you act like there's nothing ahead of you, anymore.
[Sousuke, who used to be easily as goal-oriented as Rin, who now -- seems to be living his life from short-order to short-order]
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Maybe.
[ Translated: Definitely.
Sousuke's not wandering blind, he realizes that what he's doing is destructive—taking those steps forward, getting out of this patch of darkness he's left himself in, is what he's struggling with now. That and making sure Rin doesn't cry all over their food. ]
I'll get there soon enough. [ He might have it, actually, he just needs to open his eyes a little (a lot). ] So let me apologize for being a little irritating until then.
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You've never settled for "soon enough," don't start now, stupid.
[another hard sniff, Rin rubbing unattractively at his face, making it redder]
I don't want apologies, either. I just want -- [and it's stupid and selfish sounding, but if this is the only way Sousuke'll take him seriously, "I want" is what is has to be] -- I want your best, damn it. There's no point in me doing mine if you're not doing yours.
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FIN