[he can't help it -- hearing Sousuke speak like that, monotonously, about feeling crushed, about blaming himself, and falling apart -- it makes him want to cry. he bites on his bottom lip, expression becoming stormy as he tries to keep the stupid tears back, because this is why Sousuke doesn't tell him anything]
[but it's not like he can just turn it off, the stupidly deep feelings he has for Sousuke]
Just because you're staying in the same place doesn't mean things have to be static.
[is the restaurant really Sousuke's new dream? Rin wishes he could be sure]
And I realized that. [ Or should he be saying that in present tense? There's still so much Sousuke hasn't overcome, still stuck in between this state of moving on and not.
He turns his head a little, noticing Rin's expression and brings his arm around to drape it over the other man's shoulders. ]
[followed by, of course, a heavy sniff, and Rin rubbing at his eyes irritably as the first tears begin to leak out. he leans into his friend, aggravated at himself, at Sousuke, at this stupid situation that should have happened to someone the fuck else]
-- and you are an idiot, if you think it's already behind you.
[can't Sousuke see that?]
Worse than that, you act like there's nothing ahead of you, anymore.
[Sousuke, who used to be easily as goal-oriented as Rin, who now -- seems to be living his life from short-order to short-order]
[ NO ONE DESERVES A BROKEN SHOULDER RIN CHILL OUT DKJFAKDJF ]
Maybe.
[ Translated: Definitely.
Sousuke's not wandering blind, he realizes that what he's doing is destructive—taking those steps forward, getting out of this patch of darkness he's left himself in, is what he's struggling with now. That and making sure Rin doesn't cry all over their food. ]
I'll get there soon enough. [ He might have it, actually, he just needs to open his eyes a little (a lot). ] So let me apologize for being a little irritating until then.
[and that's an elbow, digging roughly into Sousuke's ribs, even as Rin's comforted by the arc of his friend's embrace;]
You've never settled for "soon enough," don't start now, stupid.
[another hard sniff, Rin rubbing unattractively at his face, making it redder]
I don't want apologies, either. I just want -- [and it's stupid and selfish sounding, but if this is the only way Sousuke'll take him seriously, "I want" is what is has to be] -- I want your best, damn it. There's no point in me doing mine if you're not doing yours.
[ Why is he able to read him so simply? It almost makes Sousuke want to distance himself but he knows that that would result in nothing good; disconnect and forget, that sounds good but— ] You're right. [ —he can't keep making excuses. ]
But if you want that, I also want you to let me bring it up first.
[ When will he if hasn't before?? Don't worry about it. ]
I won't keep you in the dark anymore.
[ Though there's a lot he wants to keep to himself. Like getting into the gritty details, how the process is painful and sometimes he does feel like giving up. But this is possibly all that he can do so that he doesn't feel absolutely broken. ]
[true to what they've just agreed on, Rin had been prepared to drop it -- and thus lifted the cheesesteak back up out of its wrapper with one hand. he's somewhat tilted, absurd jaws agape, when a firm grasp on his other hand stops him mid-bite]
[pinking slightly at the misread situation (how did he not catch on that there'd be more feelings time?) he lowers the cheesesteak again]
[ (Because Sousuke expressing himself for more than two seconds isn't normal. They're literally under a tree holding hands while trying to eat cheese steak sandwiches this is the least romantic thing in the world.)
What Sousuke is aiming for is, however, is to lower his defenses. To become a little more honest with himself and see if saying something that's so obvious will help; moving on, moving forward, to do exactly what he's promising at this very moment. He doesn't look over at Rin the entire time, his grip on the other man's hand tightening as he breathes in a quiet breath. ]
I love you.
[ It's as simple as that, but for some reason it feels good to let out. Probably because it's not the romantic sort of love and something more familial, platonic but everlasting. He's not the type to do this, but neither is he the type to open up about his struggles and hopefully that will change.
The corners of his mouth twitch, which causes him to smile. ]
In this life and the next... if I can be friends with you forever, I wouldn't mind that at all.
[this is the most disrespectful thing Sousuke has ever done to Rin]
[and if Sousuke weren't trying to take those steps forward -- or, in typical Yamazaki fashion, a huge and startling lurch forward after just shambling about for ages, like a drunk Frankenstein -- Rin would absolutely cry no fair, instead of just cry again, which is what (of fucking course) he actually does, even though he's just gotten the whole leaky-faucet face thing under control]
Oi -- y-you --
[because of course it's obvious, of course he knows what he and Sousuke have runs deep, but. but -- with all the secrets about and since his injury, it's incredibly important to hear that, just now. well, maybe not just now, with cheese now dripping into his palm, but in the general time frame, it's appreciated. it feels right, and as usual, Sousuke manages to right his whole world on its axis, reassure Rin he's never been Too Much, because for this idiot, "this life and the next" weren't too much]
-- idiot!
[despite what comes out of Rin's mouth, as usual: it's appreciated. and Sousuke can easily tell that much, as Rin drops his cheesesteak (missing the paper, plop, right into the grass -- enjoy that, ants) and grabbing Sousuke about the neck in a fierce hug as tears escape his stupid idiot face again]
Can't, y-you just be normal? For a minute? A second?
[says the weepy pink boy with cheese on his hand (and now on the back of Sousuke's shirt)]
Ch, even if you can't -- I love you too. Dumbass...
[ He's honestly just trying to eat right now, so when Rin interrupts that by diving in and nearly strangling him with his arms he has no on to blame but himself. Unfortunately.
He's got a grip on his food so it doesn't meet the same end as Rin's, but Sousuke is still smiling all the same in the face of all of his friend's tears. Letting out a small huff that could easily be confused with a chuckle. ]
I can still call you that, moron, I know what I'm talking about.
[it's a petulant mumble, mostly to Sousuke's collarbone, but eventually Rin's able to leave off his deathgrip. he rubs his hand across his eyes, huffy and red and looking all of 10 years old, crying over a lost race]
[(he's always thinking he's the one pushing Sousuke, but; in some ways, Sousuke's already beyond the finish line. Rin has, luckily for both of them, always been obsessed with people on the other side of that line)]
Give me half, you knocked mine out of my hands.
[another childish (mostly slanderous) demand, as Rin digs a hard shoulder into Sousuke's side, refusing to break contact properly]
[have the biggest, ugliest bite in the world. your fingers are holding onto scraps of bread, and Rin's cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk's as he gives a shitty, cheesesteak-filled grin]
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[but it's not like he can just turn it off, the stupidly deep feelings he has for Sousuke]
Just because you're staying in the same place doesn't mean things have to be static.
[is the restaurant really Sousuke's new dream? Rin wishes he could be sure]
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He turns his head a little, noticing Rin's expression and brings his arm around to drape it over the other man's shoulders. ]
Go ahead and call me an idiot so you don't cry.
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I'm not gonna cry --
[followed by, of course, a heavy sniff, and Rin rubbing at his eyes irritably as the first tears begin to leak out. he leans into his friend, aggravated at himself, at Sousuke, at this stupid situation that should have happened to someone the fuck else]
-- and you are an idiot, if you think it's already behind you.
[can't Sousuke see that?]
Worse than that, you act like there's nothing ahead of you, anymore.
[Sousuke, who used to be easily as goal-oriented as Rin, who now -- seems to be living his life from short-order to short-order]
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Maybe.
[ Translated: Definitely.
Sousuke's not wandering blind, he realizes that what he's doing is destructive—taking those steps forward, getting out of this patch of darkness he's left himself in, is what he's struggling with now. That and making sure Rin doesn't cry all over their food. ]
I'll get there soon enough. [ He might have it, actually, he just needs to open his eyes a little (a lot). ] So let me apologize for being a little irritating until then.
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You've never settled for "soon enough," don't start now, stupid.
[another hard sniff, Rin rubbing unattractively at his face, making it redder]
I don't want apologies, either. I just want -- [and it's stupid and selfish sounding, but if this is the only way Sousuke'll take him seriously, "I want" is what is has to be] -- I want your best, damn it. There's no point in me doing mine if you're not doing yours.
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But if you want that, I also want you to let me bring it up first.
[ When will he if hasn't before?? Don't worry about it. ]
I won't keep you in the dark anymore.
[ Though there's a lot he wants to keep to himself. Like getting into the gritty details, how the process is painful and sometimes he does feel like giving up. But this is possibly all that he can do so that he doesn't feel absolutely broken. ]
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Then let me come to your next session. I don't have to go in in, or anything. I'll just wait in the lobby.
[and slowly work my way into your therapy room over the next few weeks?? don't worry about it]
I won't have to bring it up, if you don't keep me in the dark.
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[ But who is he kidding, give or take a couple of hours and he'll tell Rin that it's fine for him to come with him.
His hand goes languid, and then suddenly his fingers curl to grasp onto him. ]
Rin?
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[pinking slightly at the misread situation (how did he not catch on that there'd be more feelings time?) he lowers the cheesesteak again]
-- Yeah, Sousuke?
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What Sousuke is aiming for is, however, is to lower his defenses. To become a little more honest with himself and see if saying something that's so obvious will help; moving on, moving forward, to do exactly what he's promising at this very moment. He doesn't look over at Rin the entire time, his grip on the other man's hand tightening as he breathes in a quiet breath. ]
I love you.
[ It's as simple as that, but for some reason it feels good to let out. Probably because it's not the romantic sort of love and something more familial, platonic but everlasting. He's not the type to do this, but neither is he the type to open up about his struggles and hopefully that will change.
The corners of his mouth twitch, which causes him to smile. ]
In this life and the next... if I can be friends with you forever, I wouldn't mind that at all.
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[ And he lets go of Rin's hand, stuffing that hand into his pocket as he focuses on eating his sandwich. ]
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[and if Sousuke weren't trying to take those steps forward -- or, in typical Yamazaki fashion, a huge and startling lurch forward after just shambling about for ages, like a drunk Frankenstein -- Rin would absolutely cry no fair, instead of just cry again, which is what (of fucking course) he actually does, even though he's just gotten the whole leaky-faucet face thing under control]
Oi -- y-you --
[because of course it's obvious, of course he knows what he and Sousuke have runs deep, but. but -- with all the secrets about and since his injury, it's incredibly important to hear that, just now. well, maybe not just now, with cheese now dripping into his palm, but in the general time frame, it's appreciated. it feels right, and as usual, Sousuke manages to right his whole world on its axis, reassure Rin he's never been Too Much, because for this idiot, "this life and the next" weren't too much]
-- idiot!
[despite what comes out of Rin's mouth, as usual: it's appreciated. and Sousuke can easily tell that much, as Rin drops his cheesesteak (missing the paper, plop, right into the grass -- enjoy that, ants) and grabbing Sousuke about the neck in a fierce hug as tears escape his stupid idiot face again]
Can't, y-you just be normal? For a minute? A second?
[says the weepy pink boy with cheese on his hand (and now on the back of Sousuke's shirt)]
Ch, even if you can't -- I love you too. Dumbass...
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Don't ever call me a romantic again. You want to be reincarn-mates.
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He's got a grip on his food so it doesn't meet the same end as Rin's, but Sousuke is still smiling all the same in the face of all of his friend's tears. Letting out a small huff that could easily be confused with a chuckle. ]
I can still call you that, moron, I know what I'm talking about.
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[it's a petulant mumble, mostly to Sousuke's collarbone, but eventually Rin's able to leave off his deathgrip. he rubs his hand across his eyes, huffy and red and looking all of 10 years old, crying over a lost race]
[(he's always thinking he's the one pushing Sousuke, but; in some ways, Sousuke's already beyond the finish line. Rin has, luckily for both of them, always been obsessed with people on the other side of that line)]
Give me half, you knocked mine out of my hands.
[another childish (mostly slanderous) demand, as Rin digs a hard shoulder into Sousuke's side, refusing to break contact properly]
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So yeah. He's just holding his food out for Rin to take a bite. ]
Dig in.
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You're so ugly.
FIN